We are continually reminded why it is so to hate, no, despise, banks. This arrived from friend via e-mail, and is supposedly legit. Even if it isn’t, it’s a great read. I could not find locate it at NYT.com. Follow me on Twitter.
Below, is an actual letter sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the ‘New York Times.’
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nano seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension; an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity; and, also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that, whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, like you, I choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you nominate.
Be aware it is an OFFENSE, under the Postal Act, for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages; but, in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note, all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and, mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) to be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will provide your employee with a PIN which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password for access is required. Said password will be communicated to at a later date to
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
